Dementor's Kiss
by Runaway Scribe
Summary: Voldemort will do anything to get her to kiss him. Crackfic!


One day Voldemort and his Death Eaters were walking around a city, having a jolly old time, destroying everything in their path, when they came across a very attractive Dementor.

"That's all the destroying that is required for today," Voldemort said, immediately turning to his Death Eaters, "you can all go home now."

The Death Eaters all gave him confused nods and apparated away.

"So, what's your name?" Voldemort asked, turning back to the Dementor, leaning against the ruins of an old building, trying to look handsome.

"It's Decessus," she answered.

"Oh, you come here often?" Voldemort asked attempting to sound flirtatious.

"Actually, I just escaped from the Ministry, they were forcing me to work for them, guarding Azkaban prisoners and whatnot," she answered warily.

"Well, I haven't done this in a while, I've kinda been busy destroying stuff and trying to kill Harry Potter, and other people that I don't like…" Voldemort started, without realizing he was babbling, "but uh… anyway, to get to the point… will you go out with me?"

"No! Ewww… With a balding snake-looking guy like you? Yuck!" she exclaimed.

"Please!!! Just one kiss!" Voldemort begged.

"I'm leaving, you freak! I'd rather be back with the Ministry than going out with you!" she said turning away and taking his dignity with her.

"Aww… all I wanted was a kiss," Voldemort pouted, Apparating to his guest room at the Malfoy Manor.

Voldemort spent the next few days planning and scheming, not leaving his room at all. He only stopped to eat the meals the house elves brought him. His Death Eaters were getting excited because they thought he was coming up with a brilliant plan to kill Harry Potter. After five days of this, he finally called them all to a meeting.

"As you all probably know, I have been using my brilliant mind to come up with the most amazing plan ever created," Voldemort began.

"Well, I am pleased to announce that I have finally found a way to get that Dementor to kiss me!" he finished with a giant smile.

The Death Eaters all looked at each other in confusion; they didn't know that their master was capable of affection.

"So, anyway, today we are going to destroy Hogsmeade!" Voldemort concluded.

The Death Eaters knew better than to question him, so they just put their masks on and apparated along with Voldemort.

"ATTACK!" Voldemort shrieked at his Death Eaters.

They separated into their standard formation and went about creating chaos and burning things. Voldemort, in the mean time, conjured up some breathmints.

"Oh, Aurors! Look who's here! It's BIG BAD VOLDY!!!" said the big, bad Voldy.

He smiled deliriously as a team of extremely undertrained Aurors stupefied him.

Voldemort woke up an hour later in a dank and dark cell. He heard Aurors outside and waited patiently for someone to come in. About twenty minutes later, the Prime Minister of Magic himself, Cornelius Fudge, and his two best Aurors came in.

"So, we have finally captured you…" Cornelius said, cockily, but warily.

"It seems you have!" Voldemort replied brightly, "what's my punishment?"

The Auror on his right stepped up and read aloud from a sheet of paper, "Tom Riddle the Second has been sentenced to the Dementor's Kiss for disrupting the peace."

Voldemort raised an eyebrow (or at least the hairless place above his right eye), at the very mild accusation.

"That's all we could pin you for." the Auror explained to him, nervously rolling up the paper and putting it back into his robes.

"Well, I must be going now, important meetings to attend," Cornelius said backing out of the door, getting scared at Voldemort's lack of reaction.

The Aurors petrified Voldemort's body and floated him into a separate room where the object of Voldemort's attention was waiting.

"Yay!" the Dark Lord squealed being able to move his mouth and vaguely noting that was the first time he had ever said something like that, "it's you!"

"AAAAHHHH!" Decessus screeched backing up into a corner.

"Come on baby!" Voldemort beamed, "just one smooch!"

She gathered herself together and gracefully glided to Voldemort's floating body.

'Just one quick peck on the lips,' she told herself, 'nothing to get freaked out over.'

Decessus closed her eyes, leaned forward and kissed the most disgusting pair of lips a foul demon in the lowest pits of Hell could imagine. On the bright side, he had nice breath.

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**Like it? I loved writing it! You better write a review. I know most of you won't because this story is already finished, but if you read this without reviewing you shall FEEL THE WRATH OF VOLDEMORT'S AFFECTION!!! Oh, and feel guilty too.**


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